That door

I just got sucker-punched. Again.
I don't know at what point in the "journey" of raising a child with special needs that you can have a little distance, a little perspective, see things from a point of view instead of from the heart. I watched the movie Temple Grandin tonight. Cried like a baby. Totally related with the mother-took her pain into my chest and mixed it in with my own. Absorbed it in. Re-opened old wounds and poured a little more lemon juice in the hole for old time's sake. Why do I do that to myself?

It's a bad place to live-that "what if" world of self-doubt, guilt and grief I discovered the day I went into labor 3 weeks early and delivered a child that struggled to breathe on her own. In the five years since then I've shut that door to that world, firmly. Repeatedly. Turned my back on it and embraced the "that's the breaks Jake" attitude of learning, helping and growing as a family. Such progress and pride, not just for the amazing steps my daughter has made. I am proud of myself too, dammit. There was a time when I lived in that bad place. And cried myself to sleep for months. And prayed incessantly for a cure, for a way out. And walked in a fog of sadness, railing that MY daughter would not be the smartest in her class or the sweetest girl or even not be the one everyone made fun of and called names. And yes, that was the most pathetic and disgustingly selfish time of my life, but also my darkest hour. To have my own child be one that I couldn't teach was my worst nightmare. I felt absolutely useless and helpless.
So, lots of time and work have closed that door to that bad place. But sometimes I still peek in. And I still hate it there, and it still takes my breath away and demoralizes me. So I slam it shut again and go on out in the world.
Focusing on what is helping, what comes next, how far we've came, and how happy my whole family is. Remembering the blessings and counting this journey as a blessing and an opportunity to help others understand. Those are the nails and locks on that damn door. I hate that door....